Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
