He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
