All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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