Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
