it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
