I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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