8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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