You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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