Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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