My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
