you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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