I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
