o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
did i walk over a car last night?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.