The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.