Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
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We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.