that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.