Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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