Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
