All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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