i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I touched a dick in church today
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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