a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
