I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
