So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
