So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
