i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
