Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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