god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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