How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize