ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
