Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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