why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
