Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
