Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
