You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
