party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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