I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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