i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sext me about skeletons
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
