I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
