halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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