I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
