her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
