R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
