you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
