you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
