i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
