My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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