Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
