I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
