i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
