your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
