They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
