just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You can't just leave with hair like that
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
