I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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