I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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