i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
