I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
