is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
