Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
