The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
